»

Being Disabled, Kinky, & Into BDSM: Disabled Little & Disabled Daddy Dom Speaks Out (Part 3)

Leave a Comment

shutterstock_122124787

The “Being Disabled, Kinky, & Into BDSM” mini series continues with the sharing of stories from a disabled Little, and a disabled Daddy Dominant (Daddy Dom).  Rachel* and Phil* shares insight into how one’s disabilities can affect their roles within the DD/lg relationship dynamic, as well as ways disabilities can prove to be a bonus to their sexual self-expression and satisfaction.  These two perspectives are important because both show that having a disability does not mean that one cannot express themselves sexually (as society tends to believe) or prevent them from being engaging in loving, healthy relationships.  Having a disability does not equate to being asexual or unlovable; and it is incredibly ableist and offensive to dismiss the importance of sexuality and worthiness of sexual expression simply due to disability status(es).  

Without further ado, let’s read what our disabled BDSM’ers have to say.  

* * *

Rachel, a young woman whose disabilities impact her ability to be a Little both negatively and positively, with the latter having distinct benefits to her experience and finding a partner:

My name is Rachel, and I’m 19 years old.  Let me start off by telling you about my disabilities of sorts.  I have a history of mental health issues spanning over a year now, long before I entered the world of DDLG, and I’ve found that these can impact my engagement with it.  More specifically, I suffer from depression and anxiety.  I have noticed that during times of extreme stress or bouts of depression, my ability to enter subspace is disturbed.  [Subspace is when a person “enters” or “transitions” into their Little role.]  I find it much harder to engage with my Little side, sometimes being almost unable to associate with it at all.  I suppose it’s due to the forced nature of my stresses, making me have to be an adult.  If it’s not so extreme, I actually find subspace to be very helpful, as it allows me to escape from the adult reality and slip into a world where I have no responsibilities.  In this way, being a Little becomes very important in managing my adult self as it gives me time to clear my head and go back to dealing with issues later.

I also have a physical disability, which mildly affects my Little side.  I was born with flat hip sockets; basically, in the ball and socket joint, I had no socket so I had to have my hips ground out when I was young.  This, as a result, makes them more shallow than the average hip joint and increases the potential for dislocation, but more so, it allows me to bend and splay out like a young child or an infant would in a sort of frog position.  This makes me feel more Little especially when I’m laying down.  Also the groin muscle over my right hip is significantly thicker than normal and thus causes me to have a slightly awkward gait.  This also helps me to feel more Little as I can feel as though I am still learning how to walk like a big girl.

Overall I think my disabilities almost enhance my experience as a Little and make it a much more pleasant space for me to be in as I can normalize my issues.

[When asked about relationships, and finding a Daddy Dom as a Disabled Little, Rachel gave the following response:]

I’m currently in a relationship!  I actually started to become interested in the DDLG lifestyle around 4 months into the relationship, so my partner and I have been able to explore it together.  And my partner actually suffered from depression, as well, so he is very supportive and helps me through my bad days.  He knew all about my depression, anxiety and general life issues before we started dating, and he still liked me for who I was!  And like I said, even on the bad days or when I’m struggling to get things done, he makes sure I take care of myself, encourages me to have proper meals, and shower, and take my medication; I actually got into a consistent routine with my medication because of him, which is very important for the medication I take.

Before my relationship, I was always very worried that because of my issues, nobody would want to stick around and be in my life.  My partner has been solid throughout our almost 9 months of dating, always reassuring me that he loves me for who I am and will always be there to help me when things get tough.  I definitely think other disabled Littles can find people who accept them completely; communication is the key because your partner/caregiver is there for you and that’s a major part of their role, so for all those Littles who are worried like I was, just keep trying there will be people who love you for you!

Phil explains what his disability is, how he became interested in the lifestyle, and the concerns he has as to how his disability may interfere with his role as a Daddy Dom:  

To start, I was born with Thrombocytopenia Absent Radius (TAR) Syndrome.  How this manifests physically tends to vary from person to person.  As for me, my arm bone is about the size of a pea, giving the appearance that my hand connects directly to the shoulder, and my kneecaps are fused to the knee joint, locking my knees at an acute angle and it looks like I’m almost sitting with my legs crossed all the time.

With that said, I do use a wheelchair but that’s more for outside the house.  At home, I do just fine without it.  Currently, I’m engaged and just recently opened up to a tentative poly relationship.  My sister was the one who introduced me to DD/lg lifestyle, though I did find myself aroused by the concept long before I know the proper classification and terms for it.

As for my current experience with it, everything is still very new and I’m exploring slowly.  My fiancee is more of what I’ve come to find is labeled a Middle, yet we still aren’t 100% sure if that’s the most accurate for what she is.  [A Middle is a Little (in broad terms) who identifies with an age between the preteen and teen years.]  In my searches online for ideas, tips, and the like, I’ve come across a number of posts online with lists of what a Daddy should be or do.  Some of these have a certain level of ability required and I find myself somewhat disappointed at times.  I have, as some do, questioned if I can give my partner everything she needs.  We have been together and explored many kinks for eight years and so I feel that, in retrospect, my doubt is rather silly.  Still, I have the occasional moments of doubt and worry as I continue to explore the lifestyle and try to adapt myself, and these suggestions for what suits us the best.

* * *

Final Thoughts

What I enjoyed most about Rachel’s and Phil’s candidness is that they were straightforward – they gave the pluses and minuses of being disabled and into Kink, and discussed how they have not allowed the challenges to keep them from engaging into the lifestyle.  Having a disability does present certain barriers, but it does not have to hinder someone from being their authentic self and living in their truth, which in this case, involves having relationships and participating in roles that fulfills who they are sexually.  

The last part of the series will dive into my journey into discovering that I am a disabled Little, and how I view sex, sexuality, and sexual expression, and where my disability comes into play.

* * * 

If you want to read more stories from disabled Kinksters, check out Part 2!  

Don’t miss out on the rest of the series:  Part 1 discusses the BDSM lifestyle, Part 4 shares my journey in discovering my Kinky side.  

(* = Names have been changed.)

(Featured headlining image:  Courtesy of ShutterStock.)

About Vilissa Thompson, LMSW

Vilissa is the Founder & CEO of Ramp Your Voice!, an organization she created to establish herself as a Disability Rights Consultant & Advocate. Ramp Your Voice! is a prime example of how macro-minded Vilissa truly is, and her determination to leave a giant "tire track mark" on the world.

Leave a Reply