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Being Disabled, Kinky, & Into BDSM: My Journey As a Sex Positive, Sexually Confident Kinkster (Part 4)

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After reading what disabled Littles and a Daddy Dom had to say about their experiences and their roles over the past two weeks for the “Being Disabled, Kinky, & Into BDSM” mini series, it is now time for me to share my own story as a Disabled Little.

Why Share My Sexual Journey As a Kinkster?

I am prepared to share my truth about who I am, and why this lifestyle resonates to me.  As someone who is sex positive and an advocate for everyone to live the life that makes them happy, I decided that this is the perfect time to discuss how I came to be very confident and unapologetic about my sexuality, sexual expression, and sexual freedom of knowing myself, my kinks, and my body.  

This is not to be sensational; this is to be real because we make sex and sexuality so taboo and shaming in our society, and that can only be extinguished when we fearlessly stand against the wrong ideals held by society, and those who are not “prudish” concerning who and how they are.  

How I View Sex & Sexuality

Though my mother and I have an estranged relationship, one of the few things I am grateful for is that she provided health pamphlets to me about various medical conditions, including safe sex practices and sexually transmitted infections (STIs), as a pre-teen.  

By the time I was 12, I knew the following:

  • What sex was from asking my mother at age 10, and getting the basic medical explanation that was influenced by her nursing background
  • How to put on a condom correctly from reading pamphlets regarding safe sex practices
  • What STIs are, how they are transmitted, and the different medical treatments available if one is infected
  • How HIV/AIDS is contracted, and why the stigma surrounding the disease is harmful and discriminatory
  • Different forms of sexual acts (for instance, oral, anal, and vaginal), and ways to be safe when engaging with partners.  This was also when I learned about homosexuality through the safe sex pamphlets that targeted LGBTQ+ members.  

It was due to the medically-focused sexual education I received about sex and the technicalities of it that eliminated the tabooness of sex for me.  I was armed with knowledge as to how to protect myself from pregnancy and diseases, and how to express my sexual needs and concerns to future partners.  Learning about sex so early on instilled the need to be sexually aware and responsible, especially as a female.  

To me, sex is natural, and there is nothing disgusting or evil about being sexual or having sex.  As a woman, and a disabled woman at that, I own my sexuality – no one can make me feel inferior because I am a sexual being.  Being a sexual being means that I know my turn ons and turn offs; how to express those needs to partners; being in-tune with my body and enjoying self-pleasure; speaking up when unwanted sexual advances are made and knowing that I do not have to have “guilt sex” or perform sexual acts with someone simply because they are attracted to me; and understanding that my sexuality is not rigid, but fluid, and can evolve as I age and discover new sexual knowledge and interests.  

The last point pertains to the realizations I had in the past year, specifically.  

Understanding What I Am When It Comes to My Orientation & Attraction

The first realization was:

  • I am a heterosexual, heteroromantic woman who find women aesthetically attractive

Being on Tumblr, you learn so much about sexuality and LGBTQ+ from reading the journeys of others, and information about various lifestyles and approaches.  One that came on my radar was the difference between sexual orientation, romantic orientation, and aesthetic attraction.  

For me, I identify as heterosexual because I desire and seek sexual contact with those of the opposite sex/gender, which would be male/men.  Every interaction I have had, whether dating or flirtatious, has been with men.  I love being held, caressed, and comforted by men, and it is men whom I long to have a lifetime partnership with as a wife.  

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Image that explains the different types of attractions. (Click image to enlarge for better view.)

When I learned about aesthetic attraction, I realized that there is a difference between sexual, romantic, and aesthetic feelings.  In this regard, I still prefer and will seek the romantic connections with men, though I do enjoy having close interactions with women.  By “close,” I do not mean sexual – I am in no way sexually aroused or attracted to women as I am to men.  This also means that I do not desire to be with women romantically, though I am not bothered by women who may view me in such a way.  

However, I do enjoy the close, deep friendships I have with women, and can appreciate the beauty and fierceness that women have.  When I look at myself as a woman, and the women I know, I cannot help but be amazed at the female form beyond the physicality – women are aesthetically pleasing to me.  That aesthetic view encompasses the fact that I value what women possess that is unparalleled to men:  warmth, strength, compassion, passion, and intelligence.  Though I am not a lover of women (due to my sexual and romantic orientation preferences), I completely understand how another woman can appreciate and desire everything that women are and can be.  It is through that non-sexual, non-romantic lens of how I view women that caused me to understand that the deep connections I have are unique, and is a part of my identity.

Understanding my sexuality and attractions were a journey – there were times that I wondered if I was curious, bisexual, biromantic, or just clueless.  Taking the time to learn about myself and my attractions painted a clearer picture of who I am, and what I am.  

Discovering BDSM, & Realizing I Am A Little

The second realization was:

  • I am a woman who is interested in BDSM, particularly the Daddy Dom/Little Girl dynamic.

The sex blog I started last Fall was the catalyst of realizing this aspect of my sexual expression, and how to incorporate it into my sexual lifestyle.  

Going back to my early sex education, I had a vague understanding about Kink and BDSM, as many of us do who are not engrossed in the community.  It never dawned on me that I was a Kinkster, though I did not hold a negative view about the lifestyle, even with limited knowledge of what it truly is.  

It was by following and reblogging posts from other sex/NSFW (not safe for work) bloggers that opened my eyes and mind to BDSM.  At first, the curiosity was research-based; this was an area I was not abreast in, but was intrigued by the openness of those who were “veterans” in the community.  These individuals discussed the myriad of aspects of BDSM, from the roles, types of sex play, the importance of consent and respecting boundaries, aftercare, and so much more that I never knew were involved with BDSM.  

The many relationship dynamics grabbed my attention the most because basic knowledge of BDSM focuses on Dominant/Submissive; the other dynamics are not widely known as they should be.  It was not until I researched the many forms of relationships that I found the one that “clicked” with me – Daddy Dominant and Little Girl.  

Daddy Dominant and Little Girl resonated with me because it was more gentlier than Dominant/Submissive and Master/Slave.  Personally, calling someone “Master” or being considered a “Slave” or “Submissive” made me uneasy, especially the “Slave” title as someone who dates interracially.  (There is no way in hell I would let any man, Black or non-Black, call me a “slave” or him “Master;” the mere thought makes my stomach churn.)  

The Daddy Dominant/Little Girl dynamic played into the fact that I enjoy being cared for in relationships, and that is what makes this dynamic different from the others.  The “dominant” person is suppose to care for the needs of the Little, and the Little feels valued and loved by the care they receive.  Of course, both partners in this relationship “care” for each other, but the primary function of the Daddy Dom is to care for, protect, and satisfy his Little, in whatever manner that means for her.  “Satisfaction” can include sexual needs, but it does not have to; for me, the emotional care and support that Daddy Doms give Littles was what I know I need in my relationships.  

The Little role appealed to me because I have a very playful spirit, and I need a partner who would understand and respect my lighthearted moments.  As someone who has a lot on her plate and has always been the “responsible one,” “caretaker,” and “Mother Hen,” I need to be able to let my hair down and release the responsibilities I have each day.  Though I am not into age play (using pacifiers, dressing up as a younger girl, etc.), I do enjoy activities like coloring, and collecting dolls and stuffed animals.  These activities were what I enjoyed as a child because they allowed me to use my imagination and get lost in time.  Coloring, especially, has proven to be a great self-care technique I use when I need a creative release that is not reading or writing.  Daddy Doms understand Littles’ needs to engage in these activities that some may consider “age inappropriate” for adults.

Just as I require a partner who will understand my wants of being pampered and doted on within and outside of the bedroom, I also need for him to know that when I color or add more figurines to my collection, those things are important to my well-being and to my role as a Little.  That is why I prefer being a Little over the other relationship dynamic titles within the BDSM realm.  Though BDSM does encompass the extreme physical sexual acts that many desire in the community; however, as someone with a brittle bones disorder, I can only endure so much physical pain without causing injury.  There are sexual activities I can engage safely, but it will be undeniably important for me to know my limits, and communicate those limits to my partner and for him to respect them wholeheartedly.  

The Intersectionality of My Disability, Sexuality, & Sexual Expression  

Being a disabled Little means that my BDSM encounters will be unique due to the physical and safety limitations I have to consider and to discuss with partners.  Though I have never believed that because I am disabled that I cannot have sex or enjoy it, I do know that society has unfairly told disabled women, in particular, that sex is a “luxury” we cannot afford.  Sex is something that we all have a right to explore and partake in, and no one has the authority to strip us of that important aspect of our humanness.  My disability may hinder my ability to perform certain sexual activities, but it does not prevent me from expressing myself or becoming intimate with partners I desire to share that kind of connection with.  I know that my disability does not have to impede my sexuality and sexual expression solely because society infantilizes and sex shame disabled women.  I have made it my mission to not internalize these gross forms of sexism and ableism, and to encourage and support other disabled women to not allow those “-isms” to deny them of such pleasures, either.   

Why Being Sex Positive & Sexually Confident Matters to Me

Being a sexual being is an intricate part of my womanhood and feminine essence; it has taken me many years to be comfortable with my disabled body, and to be willing to share it with those whom I deem worthy of such intimacy.  At this age, I love every scar, roll, and curve on my 3 feet, 8 inch frame.  No one has the authority to shame me about my body, my kinks, or who I engage with – I define my sexuality, and have a strong hold on my sexual confidence.  Being sexually confident has allowed me to not only explore my interests, but to become comfortable in sharing my thoughts through writing erotica.  Writing has always been the best form of expressing my thoughts and feelings, and writing erotica conveys those thoughts with partners and acts as a creative stress-relieving release, as well.  

Being sex positive means being sexually responsible and sexually aware.  To reiterate the point I made at the beginning, I am and should be selective as to whom I let touch and inside my body; how I allow myself to be treated sexually; my ardent right to communicate sexual needs and to have boundaries and comforts honored and not violated; and to be remain open-minded about what may pique my fancy as I age and grow into my personhood.  All of these factors matter, and have played huge parts within my truth and reality.  There is nothing “wrong” with me or needs to be “fixed” – this is me, and I am proud of the sexual woman, and Little, I see in the mirror

Final Thoughts

This is a very candid view, one that I do not believe I have shared in-depth before, especially on the blog.  The takeaway I want for readers, and other disabled women and men especially, is that whatever you are into sexually is not “weird” or “gross,” as long as it is not infringing on the livelihood and well-being of others, or yourself.  Sex, sexuality, and sexual expression are not black and white – there are many dimensions within each of them, and there is no one “right” way to be.  

At the end of the day, be true to who you are, and what satisfies you.  

And to my disabled Kinksters – keep it kinky, safe, and fun – I know I will.  

(If you missed parts of this mini series, check out Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3.  Happy reading!)

(Featured headlining images:  Courtesy of ShutterStock.com & Asexuality.org.)

About Vilissa Thompson, LMSW

Vilissa is the Founder & CEO of Ramp Your Voice!, an organization she created to establish herself as a Disability Rights Consultant & Advocate. Ramp Your Voice! is a prime example of how macro-minded Vilissa truly is, and her determination to leave a giant "tire track mark" on the world.

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